I just learned what it means to subscribe to an rss feed.

Walking to Starbucks - on a traffic light post.

I found my guinea pig PinkKee dead this morning. She was still soft and we put her in a small box with some bedding. Taped it up and took her to the nearby animal hospital. Sure they're just going to throw her away but I am hoping that it is something a little more humane than just tossing her in the trash, which David and I didn't want to do.

She wasn't acting well last night was having some diarrhea so I figured I would check on her this morning and then take her to the vet if she didn't look like she was feeling well.

I'm sorry PinkKee.

Today was a very bad day all around.

New Years Day was spent recovering from New Years Eve. Slept until noon. Laid in bed moaning until about 3 - went and watched the FireFly DVD until 1AM.

Love is being fed Gatorade via a turkey baster.

Happy Birthday delicata77

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The scene is just after sunset so there's still a little light left. Middle of nowhere, desert, two lane road with a dotted yellow line running down the center. The car is a 1994 black Acura Integra (which previously to the "previously owned" purchase was involved in a front end collision and began a new life as a black car and left its red car life behind) The speed is unusually close to the speed limit which was a comfortable 65 and the headlines were on.

Off in the distance headlights of another car appear to be traveling in the same lane - heading directly for the Acura. The first thought is that it's just an illusion - a bend in the road - or a perspective effect. As the headlights get larger and larger and the speed of the other vehicle can be observed the illusion of the car in the same lane traveling head-on continues. The headlights get almost life sized and denial can be no more - the Acura relives it's first collusion that the driver has no knowledge off other than guesses. The car is trying to pass three other cars of opposing traffic - but doesn't have the space to get around them without a head-on collision with the Acura.

So in order to avoid dying the Acura had to brake hard and pull off the road (mostly) as the car whizzed by and barely missed her - and her wimpy little feminine horn was "blaring" - for really not other purpose that to let the other driver know he's an asshole.

The Ace of Spades
Abandoned bar/club/socially meant building with graffiti everywhere. The back entrance, which was once boarded up, and infiltrated, veiled a huge hole in a wooden board nailed to a door? that was easily stepped through. Piles and piles of bird shit is everywhere and birds can be heard cooing and moving around in the ceiling, the rafters, and, almost feels like, the walls. The smell of rot and salt water mixed in with the smell of the birds and the must of abandonment and water damage. Sudden moves stir the birds and they come flying out of previously unseen holes. The only light is from cracks in the boards over the windows, a skylight, and the hole that served as the entrance. A slow exploration of the ground floor with light steps as to not disturb the birds yields no photographs since a tripod or flash were not at hand. The upstairs could be seen from the foyer but marks on the wall spoke of missing stairs and so there wasn't anything else worth seeing there.

Happy Birthday nebyoolae!

xmas lists:
I'm not married. I'm not engaged. I'm not living with a domestic partner. Yet, I've been added to the mother's email list. As xmas draws near, I'm getting emails including wish lists for everyone in the family, the grandparents, the two brothers, the step-son, the step-father, the sister-in-law, etc. Today I received an email asking for my wish list, and two emails describing what has already been bought by the mother for various people on the list. None of these emails have been directly addressed to me, but being CC'ed they are intended for my viewing.

Xmas is a weird time for me. I don't really agree with buying presents and haven't purchased presents since the late nineties. I can't remember the last time I bought my parents a present for anything. I would much rather craft something to give to people but really since the first year of doing that in 2000, I haven't really had the brain power to dedicate to a well thought out crafted gift. I would love to knit people individual things but I would have to start planning that in January and once Xmas is over I really don't want to think about it for a while.

I want to "give" people things. I want to do nice things for people. But I'm not quite sure what. Right now I spend up to December 16th or so focussing on school and then I'm all of a sudden feeling pressured and desperate to do something.

I don't really like receiving presents from anyone other than my parents and maybe the boyfriend. But for that matter I shouldn't get presents from anyone. A lot of the time I receive things I can't use, or I don't want. This then elicits many feeling of various levels of guilt and sadness. I was told the mother is going to buy me something whether I like it or not so she's going to get the Amazon wish list, I guess.

This also comes from already receiving a present from the brother and sister-in-law. Which I wasn't supposed to have opened. But it ends up being nice little "diamond" studs, which I can't wear since neither of my ear holes are standard size. This was on Thanksgiving - where an hour before I had shown them my earrings and describing how I can't wear normal sized 22G earrings since I'm a 4G and a 10G. Then an hour later I opened the present (my bad) and found the earrings.

Just thinking about it makes me want to never receive another unsolicited present ever again. So I guess the wish list idea is good - just makes me feel weird.

It's not like I don't like Xmas. I hate the guilt and the pressure. The colors and the decorations are nice. And the idea of family time is nice.

money conversation
This is the second to last week of school. At this point I like to have things all shored up and mostly completed. I'm not a last minute person. I want to just have some final printing and matting to do. I want to close the wallet for another semester and try to make my money last until I get more of it in February with the start of the next semester. After 3.5 months of spending at least $100 a week on supplies - I just want to stop buying. I'm tired of swiping the card and just want to give it a rest.

Today in class the teacher strongly suggested that I shoot five more images for next week (not that my current work is bad - but to push something more) - but this would cost around $50-$60. I guess this isn't a HUGE bill -but I'm just trying to keep the costs down. It was also suggested that I continue shooting 4x5 - but when I citing "economic considerations" for not wanting to continue with that - I get treating like I'm trying to cop out or something. There is absolutely little consideration for the fact that I don't have a money IV inserted into my wallet and I'm trying to do my work and live in a reasonable manner.

Right now I probably am close to 50,000 in debt (with 1.5 years left) and I'm just trying to keep it "under control."

I'm just tied of spending so much money all the time. And no one (at school) seems to understand or care. I don't know what reality these people live in. And I'm not even that poor really. I live fairly comfortably. I just hate being treated badly just because I'm trying to save money. I've spent at least (checking receipts) $1750.96 in supplies since September. This is film/processing, etc. I just hate feeling badly because I'm trying to save money.

It's tempting to spend $2000 on a new digital camera just to buy something once and not have the constant buying. I knew going into photography was going to be expensive and I was going to spend a lot of money all the time - but it just gets emotionally exhausting.

It was 55 degrees in my room on Saturday morning when I woke up. It was the same temperature when I got home tonight.

I'm wearing a hat.

I have some sort of a wall heater that emanates hot hair rather than blowing it. Turning it on smells like something is burning in the kitchen. The first time I turned it on to see if it worked, it set off the fire alarm. The second time I turned it on - I had the broom ready to fan the fire alarm. Watching it carefully I saw it blink a red light and I immediately turned off the heater.

It scares me.

Photographic Discussion
I was informed today by a classmate that Polaroid is discontinuing their Time-Zero film which was made for use with the SX-70 camera. Since I have one of these cameras this affects me. Though I've only really taken it out once - it just means that I can't use it/ it's more difficult to use. I have a Polaroid roll film camera which I can't use either. This makes me sad. Also Kodak is going to discontinue its production of Black-and-White photo paper. Sure there are other options [I've been using Illford paper anyway], but there is definitely a trend here, which is quite scary.

Just like I can no longer watch any of my VHS tapes, listen to my audio cassettes, or open any of my files on a 3 ^1/2" floppy or a zip disk - someday we will cease to be able to view all those images burned onto DVDs and CDRs. We won't have any real materials with imagery on it. The machines that have come to run our lives can not always be trusted to hold the most precious moments of our lives safe.

As I have mentioned before, I am very torn. I am very lost. I constantly question the identity I try to put on myself. I oscillate between wanting to embrace digital photography or attempting to continue traditional the disappearing traditional methods. And somedays I want to run screaming back to San Diego and forget that I ever tried to be a photographer in the first place.

For the past couple weeks I've been shooting with a Sinar 4x5 camera that I leased from the school for the semester. I've been using Polaroid Type 55 and contact printing in Illford glossy paper. I only have about eight of such images - but it takes three hours [roughly] to shoot six photographs - and that's rushing a little bit.

In my thesis project proposal presentation I said that I was going to be digitally printing color and shooting with the medium format square ratio. Needless to say, this hasn't been going over very well in some of my classes. Since I was approved to do that project - it's expected that I spend the next year working towards that and not going off on some random tangent.

I've just had a rough semester and am attempting to keep myself motivated to stay in school/continue my work/and participate in class. It's been harder to shoot since a fear of getting caught has grown and a general malaise has set it.

I've decided that I need to think of ways to supplement the way the SSRI I took from Spring 2002-Summer 2005 did. I've thought about going back on it but I can't take it forever. I'll have to stop eventually and the same things would happen. I've also decided that I need to work harder. I need to fill my life up more- though I just spent the past couple hours on LJ.

augaucherss I now have an RSS Feed for my website. Add it to your friends list!

As promised I'm starting up the Toilet pictures again. Now that I have a digital camera I like, hopefully I'll start updating my website more often and get back into the "daily" images and projects. I'm going to separate this from the more polished school work. I'm getting a little confused with all the formats and cameras etc...

Non Shooting Photographer
So I'm a photographer who doesn't have motivation right now to shoot. I procrastinated and avoided yesterday, figuring I would shoot today. Now, I'm sort of procrastinating and avoiding today - well its raining too and I don't feel like taking the camera out in the rain and bagging it up. So then, I'll shoot tomorrow. Yeah I'll do that.

I just don't know what to shoot these days. I feel like I've exhausted everything in the bay area and this whole semester I've just been re-photographing places, which means I'm just shooting for the sake of shooting and I have to drag myself out of the house to do it.

Part of it I think is the cumbersomeness of the cameras. The 4x5 in it's 2x3x2' box and it's 5lb tripod. It also costs at least $10/picture. That thing is hard just to carry down the stairs. Or the fact that I have to go to make two trips to the lab for the film. I do have many other cameras - but for some reason I just don't like going to the lab anymore. It's probably the homeless people I have to pass on the way - I need to stay away from downtown if possible.

So, I don't really want to do it anyway, but I drag my ass out of the house because I know I should - but the slightest inconvenience like rain, oh I can't go now! I'm still reevaluating the situation. I just don't want to deal with mud.

Non Working Webdesigner
My boss has been non incommunicado for months. Back in the summer, I started sending her the same email every day - in four days I got a response but it was very cryptic and didn't address anything that I had said in the emails or the three phone calls she never returned. I'm realizing that part of my dissatisfaction with life right now is because I'm missing any feelings of accomplishment or a job-well-done. Working helps boost morale when you enjoy what you have done and feel productive. I've been missing that. It's not in my best interest to quit because I've been there since 2000 and I know the ropes. Plus I get paid well and I enjoy the work. Plus I telecommute which is very nice and will facilitate me going to Southern California to complete my final project. I might get laid off eventually, which I was told would happen before I graduated (just because they usually don't have people telecommute) - but for now the perks are awesome. I'll just start being more vigilant about those emails.

How NewEgg Charged me 2K for 1K worth of merchandise
So last Sunday night, I ordered my SD550 and my R1800 (camera and printer). Monday morning I received an email saying that my order was cancelled due to the confirmed address on PayPal not matching the shipping address for NewEgg. This is because in PayPal I designated my apartment number by "#" and in NewEgg it was "Apt". I was a little pissed about this but figured I would just have to cut and paste the addresses exactly since obviously NewEgg's compare algorithm worked this way. So, I resubmitted the order. (You know where this is going) - Well, they ended up charging me and shipping me BOTH orders. Thank GOD (well not really) that PayPal was pulling from my credit card or else that would have been a mess... So now I have to wait to get both shipments and refuse one of them which then it will get sent back and then I'll get my refund. So hopefully by the end of next week this will be resolved. And hopefully I won't be charged interest because of their fuck up - but in which case I would make them give me a credit in that amount. or something.

Trying to figure out ways to make myself happy these days.

By the way PocketMod is cool. It's not what you think it is...

Purchased new point-and-shoot digital camera and printer today. These are things I "need". The things I don't need are a Canon 20D.

It's tempting to spend 2K on a camera so as not to have to purchase film ($10/roll -36exp) - pay for film processing ($9/roll ish). - Physically travel to the lab 2 twice a week - which includes walking under the freeway - and passing many a homeless person.

I will resurrect the toilet series when I get my new Elph.

So I upgraded to a paid account today - 100% because I wanted more user icons. Check em out.


Now I think I'm going to go back to playing Myst V

Yesterday, while driving, I observed the right-of-way of a man who - let's say that you have a human head and you divide it into 4 quadrants and let's say you bash in the upper left as you're looking straight on the face. It has a huge concave curve - that's what this man's head looked like. It wasn't bloody or anything - looked perfectly healed with hair on the concave surface.

yeah. that was weird.

I have nearly avoided a breakdown and I am mostly proud of myself.

The neighbor situation has greatly improved over this last week. Though I am still very aware of him down there and for instance right now he's on the phone and I know he's on the phone. I probably could listen to the conversation if I didn't turn up my noise and I put my ear to the floor. It's still annoying but mostly tolerable now.

Photographically Speaking

I am incredibly frustrated about my photography. First it's subject. The best subject is on the east coast/mid west. I feel really limited here and am constantly jealously drooling over the images from the urban decay lj community which just leave me feeling inadequate and depressed. So I just revisit the same ol' places over and over again here. I'm afraid to open my eyes in the city, lest I see something gross. In San Diego my eyes were free to wander and I was able to appreciate the things around me. Here breathing in the fumes of urine, I don't want to look. I can't look.

Then there's color verses black and white. My work is in color. I shoot in color. I respond to the color and photograph those things because of the color. Yet, in today's digital world, the really only output available is ink jet printing. This means the purchase of a lot of expensive equipment that outdates itself every 6 months or something. There's the computer, the monitor which needs to be perfectly calibrated, the scanner, the printer. There are other outputs but they mostly require paying someone else to do it for you - because the machine required is so expensive only a business could run.

But then, printing on an ink jet printer is not fulfilling in the slightest. Click print and out comes your picture after a couple minutes (after a bunch of photoshop color adjustments and balancing to correct the damage the scanner did). It's not an object to relish but just a print out where many are possible.

Shooting digitally leaves a whole other can-0-worms. Rather than just having film as your ultimate backup - you have to store gigs and gigs of files. Burning DvDs's and DvD's of files. Then when DvD's are outdated and we get something else - you have to reCopy all those files, otherwise you won't have anything to read the information.

Slide film, you only need light to look at your picture.

I think the answer is black and white - you can still go to the darkroom, get your hands wet and make a picture. A unique one of a kind image that you can never exactly copy again. An image that you bring out of the paper. This is a very nice process and I love the smell of fix.

But I can't have it both ways.

I was thinking about doing somewhat of a hybrid - maybe presenting images from both ways - but I feel like I "painted" myself into a corner since I've been here a little over a year and it's always been in color. And I fear being unhappy with just black and white.

It's a conundrum.