I just learned what it means to subscribe to an rss feed.

Walking to Starbucks - on a traffic light post.

I found my guinea pig PinkKee dead this morning. She was still soft and we put her in a small box with some bedding. Taped it up and took her to the nearby animal hospital. Sure they're just going to throw her away but I am hoping that it is something a little more humane than just tossing her in the trash, which David and I didn't want to do.

She wasn't acting well last night was having some diarrhea so I figured I would check on her this morning and then take her to the vet if she didn't look like she was feeling well.

I'm sorry PinkKee.

Today was a very bad day all around.

New Years Day was spent recovering from New Years Eve. Slept until noon. Laid in bed moaning until about 3 - went and watched the FireFly DVD until 1AM.

Love is being fed Gatorade via a turkey baster.

Happy Birthday delicata77

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The scene is just after sunset so there's still a little light left. Middle of nowhere, desert, two lane road with a dotted yellow line running down the center. The car is a 1994 black Acura Integra (which previously to the "previously owned" purchase was involved in a front end collision and began a new life as a black car and left its red car life behind) The speed is unusually close to the speed limit which was a comfortable 65 and the headlines were on.

Off in the distance headlights of another car appear to be traveling in the same lane - heading directly for the Acura. The first thought is that it's just an illusion - a bend in the road - or a perspective effect. As the headlights get larger and larger and the speed of the other vehicle can be observed the illusion of the car in the same lane traveling head-on continues. The headlights get almost life sized and denial can be no more - the Acura relives it's first collusion that the driver has no knowledge off other than guesses. The car is trying to pass three other cars of opposing traffic - but doesn't have the space to get around them without a head-on collision with the Acura.

So in order to avoid dying the Acura had to brake hard and pull off the road (mostly) as the car whizzed by and barely missed her - and her wimpy little feminine horn was "blaring" - for really not other purpose that to let the other driver know he's an asshole.

The Ace of Spades
Abandoned bar/club/socially meant building with graffiti everywhere. The back entrance, which was once boarded up, and infiltrated, veiled a huge hole in a wooden board nailed to a door? that was easily stepped through. Piles and piles of bird shit is everywhere and birds can be heard cooing and moving around in the ceiling, the rafters, and, almost feels like, the walls. The smell of rot and salt water mixed in with the smell of the birds and the must of abandonment and water damage. Sudden moves stir the birds and they come flying out of previously unseen holes. The only light is from cracks in the boards over the windows, a skylight, and the hole that served as the entrance. A slow exploration of the ground floor with light steps as to not disturb the birds yields no photographs since a tripod or flash were not at hand. The upstairs could be seen from the foyer but marks on the wall spoke of missing stairs and so there wasn't anything else worth seeing there.

Happy Birthday nebyoolae!

xmas lists:
I'm not married. I'm not engaged. I'm not living with a domestic partner. Yet, I've been added to the mother's email list. As xmas draws near, I'm getting emails including wish lists for everyone in the family, the grandparents, the two brothers, the step-son, the step-father, the sister-in-law, etc. Today I received an email asking for my wish list, and two emails describing what has already been bought by the mother for various people on the list. None of these emails have been directly addressed to me, but being CC'ed they are intended for my viewing.

Xmas is a weird time for me. I don't really agree with buying presents and haven't purchased presents since the late nineties. I can't remember the last time I bought my parents a present for anything. I would much rather craft something to give to people but really since the first year of doing that in 2000, I haven't really had the brain power to dedicate to a well thought out crafted gift. I would love to knit people individual things but I would have to start planning that in January and once Xmas is over I really don't want to think about it for a while.

I want to "give" people things. I want to do nice things for people. But I'm not quite sure what. Right now I spend up to December 16th or so focussing on school and then I'm all of a sudden feeling pressured and desperate to do something.

I don't really like receiving presents from anyone other than my parents and maybe the boyfriend. But for that matter I shouldn't get presents from anyone. A lot of the time I receive things I can't use, or I don't want. This then elicits many feeling of various levels of guilt and sadness. I was told the mother is going to buy me something whether I like it or not so she's going to get the Amazon wish list, I guess.

This also comes from already receiving a present from the brother and sister-in-law. Which I wasn't supposed to have opened. But it ends up being nice little "diamond" studs, which I can't wear since neither of my ear holes are standard size. This was on Thanksgiving - where an hour before I had shown them my earrings and describing how I can't wear normal sized 22G earrings since I'm a 4G and a 10G. Then an hour later I opened the present (my bad) and found the earrings.

Just thinking about it makes me want to never receive another unsolicited present ever again. So I guess the wish list idea is good - just makes me feel weird.

It's not like I don't like Xmas. I hate the guilt and the pressure. The colors and the decorations are nice. And the idea of family time is nice.

money conversation
This is the second to last week of school. At this point I like to have things all shored up and mostly completed. I'm not a last minute person. I want to just have some final printing and matting to do. I want to close the wallet for another semester and try to make my money last until I get more of it in February with the start of the next semester. After 3.5 months of spending at least $100 a week on supplies - I just want to stop buying. I'm tired of swiping the card and just want to give it a rest.

Today in class the teacher strongly suggested that I shoot five more images for next week (not that my current work is bad - but to push something more) - but this would cost around $50-$60. I guess this isn't a HUGE bill -but I'm just trying to keep the costs down. It was also suggested that I continue shooting 4x5 - but when I citing "economic considerations" for not wanting to continue with that - I get treating like I'm trying to cop out or something. There is absolutely little consideration for the fact that I don't have a money IV inserted into my wallet and I'm trying to do my work and live in a reasonable manner.

Right now I probably am close to 50,000 in debt (with 1.5 years left) and I'm just trying to keep it "under control."

I'm just tied of spending so much money all the time. And no one (at school) seems to understand or care. I don't know what reality these people live in. And I'm not even that poor really. I live fairly comfortably. I just hate being treated badly just because I'm trying to save money. I've spent at least (checking receipts) $1750.96 in supplies since September. This is film/processing, etc. I just hate feeling badly because I'm trying to save money.

It's tempting to spend $2000 on a new digital camera just to buy something once and not have the constant buying. I knew going into photography was going to be expensive and I was going to spend a lot of money all the time - but it just gets emotionally exhausting.